1. Observations should be specific, not generic ("you are lazy" vs "you have not accomplished any of the tasks you've been assigned"). They should also be objective - third party witnesses should have consensus. We can agree that you've not accomplished your tasks for the week. We will likely disagree on whether that means you're lazy.

2. Feelings are internal and should not involve someone else. "I feel cheated" is really just saying "I believe I've been cheated" - it's accurately portraying your inner narrative (which may be OK), but it is not portraying your feelings. Instead, you may feel sad, depressed, upset, nervous, whatever. Another way to think of it: Feelings are always legitimate - they are never wrong. The narrative in your head, though, may well be wrong. If someone can reasonably dispute it (assuming he/she is not a jerk), then it probably was a narrative and not a feeling.

3. Needs: This, in my experience, is easy for tech people to state. If you think someone cheated you out of money, you probably need things like integrity, honesty, security, etc. If your report at work seems unreliable to you, you probably need consistency, peace of mind, etc.

4. This is making a request. A request is not a demand or a command (so yes, NVC is not appropriate/relevant in contexts where orders make sense). If the person declines your request and you're upset a fair amount by it, you probably were not sincere in making the requests. And finally, your request should also be precise. Not "Could you rephrase that in a respectful manner", but "Could you rephrase that and address me as Mister instead of Dude?"

A few other tidbits from the book (also in Crucial Conversations): You are not responsible for other's feelings. Relieve yourself of that burden/guilt. However, if you want to take things to the next step and have better relations with people around you, do care about their feelings and use techniques to have them feel better - but out of empathy and not out of responsibility or guilt.

In general, the book is about realizing that you have a choice in most things - even things like whether you want to earn money to feed your kids. Likewise, it's about eliminating the language of obligation from your internal dialogues. This may be offputting to people who have a strong sense of obligation.

The above is likely about 90% of the book. The rest of the book are specific, concrete strategies related to the above.

One additional component I focus on when I help people orient with nonviolent communication is the felt sense of their emotions (calibrating their awareness of anger, sadness, loneliness, numbness, joy, content etc.)

I’ve found that very useful in preventing getting lost in the intellectual/linguistic structure which may end up being misused if the speaker does not own their feelings.

The other aspect is the commitment to connection as #1 priority, over getting what you want.

And then, when you actually want to get what your want instead of showing compassion, or being connected, having the ability to remember and follow up on the commitment.

The addiction to power, including through victim hood, is a real one, and a commitment helps in giving it up. One day at a time ;)

https://www.businessinsider.com/microsoft-satya-nadella-nonv...

"""

- Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella bought all the members of his senior leadership team a copy of the book "Nonviolent Communication" in 2014 when he took over the company.

- At the time, Microsoft was known for having a culture of hostility, infighting, and backstabbing.

- "Nonviolent Communication" preaches compassion and empathy in communication, and it has lessons that apply beyond the boardroom.

"""

I recommend watching his seminar recording on YouTube before going through the book.